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participant-observer.

Confession

Don't question your instinct

So I was thinking about this for a long time. After passing the qualification exams, I did not feel anything; neither excitement nor fulfillment. I should have been proud of myself, but I just did not have the feeling. I thought the degree was closer to me. Nevertheless, after carefully checking everything, I realized that there was still a book to be finished for the degree. But I'm so sick of writing. I mean, academic papers, not writings in general. If I'm sick of writing, I probably would not type these words down.

After the performative ritual, aka oral exam, A informed me that 'congrats! you passed the exam' and told me to celebrate my achievements. However, looking around, I could not be more lonely than now. Maybe it's simply because I'm getting older, I did not make any friends with who I can hang out all the time after moving to California. I no longer have friends who will prepare gifts for my achievements or want to throw a birthday party for me. Everyone has a significant other to be taken care of.

This year is the most adulty year I have had in my life. I have four wisdom teeth extracted after the exam and the breakup. I could not tell what exactly happened between me and him. There was nothing wrong between me and him. But why was it intimidating to him? I could not figure out the reason emotionally. I must admit that these are two separate things. Rationally, I understood the situation well and know why he was scared off; emotionally, it stings. No one likes rejections. After all, I just accepted it as it was. After the breakup, I somehow lost interest in knowing new people. Maybe this is the so-called emotional risk. I'm not a risk-taker. But this time, I think I did the right thing.

It is not wrong to express what you want, it is not right to question your instinct if you feel it.

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