Bingduis

重拾旧习

When exhausted

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From this semester, my wife starts her PhD in this lovely Dutch city, while I need to commute for about 90 km between Belgium and the Netherlands whenever there is a class. After several times watching the trees out of the windows turning from green to yellow, along with sunrise or sunset, I stopped. Instead, my laptop is what I have to focus on for assignments from the university.

Exhausting is not a big problem. It is becoming emotional and lacking communication due to this busy life. Willingness for better home life and a disparate reality generated disappointment towards myself and also my wife. I felt she didn’t want to talk to me, although this usually happened when there were other jobs waiting for her. And I didn’t have time to be patient and realise every time we previously lost an opportunity for a talk, even for a very small thing.

She told me there was no longer a feeling of being loved from her side. I didn’t know what to say. Perhaps she was right. I didn’t love her if she believed that love. But actually, I love her, just not as she understood. It is so hard to tell her my perspective, simply because she clearly wants something else, which should be true love, nonsense love, and irrational love.

Last week we finally talked without any quarrels. I could feel her trembling, saying that there was no longer admiration to me because I didn’t continue to read, not to mention writing or something related to spiritual life. Oh, is that simply because I am already exhausted? Indeed I should inquiry myself.

 We are spending money, and we talk about money. We produce trash of knowledge, and we live on the trash of knowledge. We are used to everything, and we are not satisfied with everything.

We lack exercise, lack doing nothing, and lack doing real things. This is perhaps the critical moment of exhausting. There might be changes in the future, but this moment is when I realise life is not that hard. It could have been very easy if we just live life instead of only putting it as hope.

*It is the first time I write a blog in English.

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