Little Letters 02

2020-07-06 01:45:46

Stick your proboscis in. Is it worth dying for? Just to get a taste of it.

I had this dream last night. I had this white cat-dog who gets up the attic and doens't know how to come down; I forgot about them for four or fives days at a time. I finally remember to go upstairs and they were still breathing, although only ever so slightly. I brought them downstairs and gave them some food. I felt bad, but there was little I could do, and me feeling bad doesn't really help with the situation, which only makes me feel worse.

Upstairs I found this new way to a garden. It was full of new sights, birds were chirping, and I climbed and jumped and ran. There were elements of a water park, somewhere children would be excited. I ran, through all the slides and the pots of flowers, all the way to the entrance. I asked the ticket girl where we were, and noted the intersection. It looked like HK but it's hard to tell apart the Cantonese locations. The ticket girl was surprised as to how I went in, I said, well I live somewhere inside. Should I pay you if I go in again? I'll pay you anyway - I don't want to put you in a tough spot. I'm happy today and I want you to feel happy too... I paid her and snuck back in.

I felt happy. I felt happy because I think I felt like I was coming home to you. Even though it was just a dream, in it I was comfortable with myself. Maybe it had nothing to do with you. Maybe it was just me.

I have no excuse now. If I am completely honest with myself, I think I've, in some sense, gotten what I needed. I have the conditions to thrive for what I want.

Now the problem is: will I go for it? Or will I continue to try to hide?

If the cake is in front of me, do I dare take a bite even though it might kill me?

I want to speak up. I want to be heard when I'm feeling earnest. The world is my record, it remembers me as I walk within it; it's the way that everyone deserves to feel control.

I miss you terribly. But the longer I live the more probably I shall see you again, right?