ariya
ariya

self-convinced feminist, working on to be an independent scientist

新人打卡 | Therapeutic Document

Chapter 1:Delivery in English
偶然发现了Matters,很开心能够看到这么多文章。感觉又慢慢找到了阅读中文的乐趣。于是开始把原来一些胡思乱想的文字搬过来~ 

I thought this might be therapeutic, if I could document what I experienced. This attempt would probably not last for a long time, and I probably will never post it because I would be too scared to leave any footprints related to my depressed experiences online. However, at least right now, at this very moment, I do want to write about it. These stories are just for me.

I chose English as my writing language of these stories, not because I am good at it, but because of the fact that English is not my first language. And the benefit of using a language which I don’t know very well is that I feel a little bit detached from the thing I am planning to write, so I am not gonna emotionally break down easily and able to illustrate.

I’ve always like speaking and writing in English, even though I’m definitely not very good at it. With my Asian face, people don’t have any expectations of my English skills, if I could express my ideas clearly, like what I’m doing right now, they tend to be satisfied. On the other hand, if I use Chinese (which is my first language), they tend to have high expectations, and they will be disappointed about my words, even though I had just delivered the same amount of content as I talked in English. Well, I have to admit that I am definitely not an active talker, no matter in what kind of languages, but sometimes using English does make me be more enthusiatic in talking and writing.

Why am I not an active talker? I guess that’s because any kinds of delivery (e.g. speaking, writing, making videos, drawing pictures) has to come from somewhere, and I have been struggled with myself and my depressed emotions for so long, ended up having nothing to give. Have you ever taken IELTS test? In the oral test, you have to talk about something related to a given topic, and they will judge your oral English skills by what you speak. The typical topics are ‘a trip with friends’, ‘a city you would like to visit again’, ‘a family member you spent most time with’ and ‘a performance you watched recently’. I have always been wondering, what if I just don’t have these experiences, and what if I am just having a relatively boring life, with no friends, not very close with my family, haven’t got the chance to travel to anywhere or watch any performances, what could I talk about then. If I just admitted that I have zero related experience, and live a boring life, would they give me a low grade in oral English because I did a bad delivery? I guess they probably will and it’s reasonable. At the end of the day, I am taking an oral English test, not a personal oral-history interview.

That being said, with all these obstacles in delivery, I do feel a sense of freedom through English. Language is related to culture, to experiences and to a person’s memories, at least it’s true in my case. All my traumatized experiences so far, are related to my first language, that means if I switch language to any other languages except Chinese, I am detached from my trauma. Yes, I am awared of the childish in this, but in most cases, it works, and that’s all matters to my hopeless self. At least we have a starting point of fighting against the suffocating trauma, it’s probably not a good one, but we started.

And so we started.

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