normal people

一晚上看完剧，只是感叹“how lucky they are”。看剧同时看不同文字分析，才了解“噢原来主题在‘成长’”，重点在全文最后一句“people can really change one another”，两人都是因为自卑而推开对方。和自己平时看剧看电影看书看画听歌一样，为什么人可以分析出那么多有理论支撑的细节。而我最常的read后感是一团雾，只能感觉，不懂得言明。是我无知，不记得任何理论。即便看完书，千头万绪，每绪只有词语、短句，汇聚的仍旧只想感叹“how lucky they are”。因为，能遇到一个不言自喻彼此G点、会鼓舞对方朝正确方向行进的人，是多么难得。

是有阶层挫败的逃避，是有自弃的任由摆布。

2011.1

He presses his hands down slightly further into his pocket, as if trying to store his entire body in his pockets all at once.

局促看得非常清晰，但藏在阴暗处。

中小学的语文课，面对一篇新课文，老师先解决生字词，再叫学生段落划分、概括段落大意、提取中心思想，接着分析文章的动作描写、神态描写、心理描写，做是什么、为什么、怎么办的阅读理解和写作训练。准备教资时，恍然大悟，才发现，这一切是套路。

2011.2

She had that feeling in school often, but it wasn’t accompanied by any specific images of what the real life might look or feel like. All she knew was that when it started, she wouldn’t need to imagine it anymore.

（忘记这段mark down的缘由了。）

2011.3

pleasurable sorrow

Moments of emotional pain arrived like this, meaningless or at least indecipherable. Marianne lived a drastically free life, he could see that. He was trapped by various considerations.

辨别不清是可以直接说的，不用多说明什么。多是多种情感混杂的，只是有时会有主导者为抓手。如果能组织成语言表达出来，也就知道是什么、为什么、怎么办了。心理咨询好像非常push人把思维条理化。

如果感性可以理性化。

2011.4

Even in memory she will find this moment unbearably intense, and she’s aware of this now, while it’s happening.

I love you. that was it , the beginning of my life.

“I love you”这句话，Marianne从未说出口过。

2011.8

Before Alan can respond, they hear someone calling out from inside the house, and a door closing. Their mother is home. Alan looks up, his expression changes, and Marianne feels her own face moving around involuntarily. He glances down at her. You shouldn’t tell lies about people, he says. Marianne nods, say nothing. Don’t tell Mam about this, he says. Marianne shakes her head. No, she agrees. But it wouldn’t matter if she did tell her, not really. Denise decided a long time ago that it is acceptable for men to use aggression towards Marianne as a way of expressing themselves. As a child Marianne resisted, but now she simply detaches, as if it isn’t of any interest to her, which in a way it isn’t. Denise considers this a symptom of her daughter’s frigid and unlovable personality. She believes Marianne lacks ‘warmth’, by which she means the ability to beg for love from people who hate her. Alan goes back inside now. Marianne hears the patio door slide shut.

TV里，有一个场景，Denise和Marianne的对话。有关在圣三一附近的房，Denise问Marianne瓷砖选什么颜色，鼓励Marianne这是最后一次了，你一定可以，分享她曾经在运河边骑单车。两个女人并排站，面对厨房墙壁的水槽，在洗碗碟还是准备早餐，背对中岛台。

Alan外宿回来经过，倚靠门口，看到两人背影，看到两人侧脸对视，看到两人自在地想起私人回忆。剧中，我看到的是嫉妒，对母女将有相同记忆的嫉妒，对Marianne能走出的嫉妒，对自如站在身边的嫉妒。

原来，书中不是。TV对话这幕，记忆书中没有。不曾温暖过。可惜可叹，因为时间。不可悲。现在，不轻易可悲。是父亲的

2012.4

Connell says nothing. He runs his thumb over the label on the beer bottle, feeling for a corner to peel off. He has no idea what Marianne will come up with: something funny, he thinks, something that will make Peggy laughs and forget the question. Instead, unexpectedly, Marianne says: Oh, yeah. He starts smiling to himself. The corner of the beer label comes away from the glass under his thumb.

Generally I find men are a lot more concerned with limiting the freedoms of women than exercising personal freedom of themselves says Marianne.

For the privacy between himself and Marianne to be invaded by Peggy, or by another person, would destroy something inside him, a part of his selfhood, which doesn’t seem to have a name and which he has never tried to identify before. He folds the damp bed label up one more time so it’s very small and tightly folded now. Hm, he says.

心理状态、语言，真不如每一细微动作。

2012.7

Time consists of physics, money is just a social construct.

——“The substance that makes the world real.”

2012.9

He knew she would say yes. He thought she would say yes, it was hard to imagine her not saying yes.

接近对方的感受，真的能approach吗？或者，人感受到自己，难度会低些吗？如果把意识分化，感受自己和感受对方，操作步骤有什么不一样吗？观察肢体动作或潮红变化，默记呼吸频率，分析物质条件、文化背景、原生家庭，探究过去、摸索规律、预测未来，不要忘记牛顿运动定律。Never say anything about your own self, never, just agree, only agree.

2013.12

There’s always been something inside her that men have wanted to dominate, and their desire for domination can look so much like attraction, even love. In school the boys had tried to break her with cruelty and disregard, and in college men had tried to do it with sex and popularity, all with the same aim of subjugating some force in her personality.

是只针对Marianne？还是女性群体？是男性对女性的掌控欲吗？

或许，是婴儿心态吗？记得听过一种说法，婴儿这种特殊的生长时期，因为无法自理、幼小脆弱、易受伤易致死，所以家长的注意力长时间维持在他身上。也因为新生儿的稚嫩、天真，吸引许多人注意力。逢有婴儿在的场合，几乎所有人涌来，把婴儿里三层外三层围住，不停惊叹：“oh，天呐，好可爱啊～”“好好看的BB～”“好得意啊～”“太Q了～”老实说，面对新生儿的家人，你也不忍心叨唠别的。甚至，是“丑帅”，而不是“帅丑”。家门内，周围人高度紧张他，家门外，溢美之词不断。被注视的目光不曾断过，“我是永远被人关注的”是意识的起点。当被关注的能量不够时，人会试用各种方法吸取回来。

为什么不能deal with“不被关注”的事实呢？

Marianne: acting a part, pretend to feel a certain way, like I’m in his power.

vs

Connell: actually had those feelings, I’d have down anything you wanted me to.

第一次，Connell问Marianne：Is that ok？

Connell一直这么尊重Marianne，however，Marianne feel in control.

看到一些评论是：Marianne无法自爱，所以SM。如果顺着婴儿逻辑，被SM是Marianne最被关注的初始状态。然而，M握有SM关系里的主导权，S享受到的掌控感取决于M的反馈。

Power这个东西，是无意识。或许，是不是一种对权力的摆脱呢？

2014.3

He knows that a lot of the literary people in college see books primarily as a way of appearing cultured. When someone mentioned the austerity protests that night in the Stag’s Head, Sadie threw her hands up and says: Not politics, please! Connell’s initial assessment of the reading was not disproven. It was culture as class performance, literature fetishised for its ability to take educated people on false emotional journeys, so that they might afterwards feel superior to the uneducated people whose emotional journeys they liked to read about. Even if the writer himself was a good person, and even if his book really was insightful, all books were ultimately marketed as status symbols, and all writers participated to some degree in this marketing. Presumably this was how the industry make money. Literature, in the way it appeared at these public readings, had no potential as a form of resistance to anything. Still, Connell went home that night and read over some notes he had been making for a new story, and he felt the old beat of pleasure inside his body, like watching a perfect goal, like the rustling movement of light through leaves, a phrase of music from the window of a passing car. Life offers up these moments of joy despite everything.

在商业里，有什么是不被操控的呢？文字摆列组合成文学，是写作者的工作。在这一场域里，它是open的。如果有幸进入另一操作，流转到出版方手中发行，它已经脱离写作者的可控区域。它如何被打扮，是写作者配合出版方的商业需求，与写作者无关。

重要的是，被看到。

两人，每个人，有一直在找谁的眼睛。