Yes, already demoralized.

Survival and Consumption

Survival Instinct

Once I did have that instinct

That instinct to survive

That instinct to survive until, until, and until the final second when something beyond me allows my survival no more

I remember the days when I had it

Then I was afraid of falling ill

Then I was afraid of being laughed

And then I was afraid of the word 'death' itself

I was such a slave of fear

I do not remember from when on I have that instinct no more

Why and how did I lose it?

No idea at all

Maybe when I saw that the ill was humiliated both before and after her recovery

Maybe when I saw that a loser was humiliated both when she struggled to win back and when she stopped struggling

Or maybe when I saw people were just humiliated with an illusory reason called "we should be disciplined for a better collective future"

I knew from that second, or maybe some seconds later, that being still here, being a survivor in this second, equaled, equals, and will always equal being humiliated with every and with no reason at all

So my instinct fell lost

How was it lost?

Maybe caused by another instinct

Maybe caused by my courage to embrace death as a concept, nature, and practice as well

Or maybe I was and am just blessed by something beyond me that neither bears nor tolerates any humiliation

I am still afraid of falling ill

I am still afraid of being laughed

But I am a comforted slave

As I know without that survival instinct

I would not allow me to be ill for long

I would not allow me to be laughed for long

And I would not succeed in swallowing down any humiliation and surviving on


That glorious thing

A thousand time before my survival ends

I keep saying:

Thank you!

Let me be consumed

Please, let me be consumed

Let me be consumed by pain

Let me be consumed by humiliation

Let me be bitten

Let me be spat

Let me be ignored

Let me be abandoned

Let me be forgotten

The life given to me is already too long

And too nice at its first glimpse

So let me be consumed, please

When I am bitten

I may feel sad

When I am pat

I may feel hate

But let me be consumed

And allow me to say thank you beforehand

Before I lose me in hatred and sadness and forget how to pronounce gratitude

Let me be consumed

Consumed, consumed, and consumed

Until the unfairly given is fairly used up

And I rest in being not me and in not being

Thank you, thank you, thank you all!


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