archive | the baffler周常综述[2021.03.05]

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Fresh Hell

Recovering Cuomosexuals

治愈库默恋

库默恋(cuomosexual)：见维基百科条目中“COVID-19 pandemic response”章节

As the acid rain of sexual misconduct allegations continue eroding the reputation of New York governor Andrew Cuomo—whose Emmy-winning but entirely botched response to the pandemic, it should be recalled, led to untold thousands of preventable deaths, the scale of which his administration then covered up while he played patty-cake with the ghostwriter penning what would become a bestselling memoir detailing his vanquishing of a health crisis that is still ongoing—many of his diehard fans are reconsidering their ill-considered veneration of the cold-blooded braggart. Take, for instance, Lingua Franca, which has removed its $400 hand-embroided “cuomosexual” cashmere sweater from its online store and is now reportedly offering to re-embroider already purchased sweaters with something else at a 50 percent discount, perhaps with another one of its stupid slogans.

当性骚扰指控的酸雨继续侵蚀纽约州长安德鲁•库默的名誉，应当被回忆起的是他面对疫情时那能得艾美奖的糟糕反应导致的数以千计本可避免的死亡的规模在他与朝廷作家玩着“你拍一，我拍一”的游戏、编着他是如何征服了一个现在还活得好好的健康危机的预定畅销回忆录时被他的管辖所遮掩——众多他的铁杆粉正三思他们对这冷血吹牛大王的盲目崇拜。拿lingua franca作个例子，其已从线上商店下架其400美元的“库默恋”手织山羊绒毛衣，且现在据说以五折提供已购毛衣的重织服务来以别的什么东西替代它——或许是其又一愚蠢口号。

See Spot Run!

看啊，它在跑！

Last summer, the New York City Council took under advisement the public’s rather straightforward demand that the city spend substantially less than $6 billion on a police force that routinely and gleefully tramples the human rights of residents—and the council decided the prudent thing would be to preserve the NYPD’s budget while touting a $1 billion reduction that consisted of little more than hand tricks and shifty arithmetic. Months later, as the city’s schools enjoy the effects of a $707 million reduction in spending, we now know one of the cool yet practical things the NYPD has acquired with its mountain of moola: a robotic surveillance “dog.” Its name is Spot. Armed with its trusty night vision and looking in no way like man’s best friend, Spot the Digidog patrols “dangerous” neighborhoods and ventures into “unsafe” situations. Spot cost at least $74,000. Spot has “tremendous potential” to limit injuries and fatalities because Spot can help police get the “information” they need without immediately resorting to gunning down “suspicious” civilians, as they are wont to do. Spot is super helpful. Just recently, as the New York Times reports, Spot helped police not capture two armed men that had taken two other men hostage and tortured them for hours in a Bronx apartment. Those two men are still on the loose. Good job, Spot!

去年夏天，纽约议会对公众大幅缩减惯常幸灾乐祸地践踏居民人权的警察部队的6,000,000,000美元预算的直白要求深思熟虑，并精明地作出了保住纽约警局预算而标榜一个不过是卖力的戏法与捉迷藏算术的1,000,000,000美元缩减的决定。数月后，当纽约的学校们享受着707,000,000美元花费削减的劲头时，我们现在知道了纽约警局用它的金山搞到的一个炫酷而实用的玩意：一个机械监视“犬”。它叫spot。装备着可靠的夜视仪，看着也一点不像人类的好朋友，机械狗spot巡视“危险”的邻人并能踏入“险境”。spot至少花了74,000美元。spot有遏止伤亡的强大“潜力”，因为spot能使警察们免于用枪子将“可疑”公民撂倒的习俗而拿到要的“信息”。spot超有用哒。就在最近，正如纽约时报所报导，spot成功地帮助了警察没有捉到两名将另两个男子劫为人质并在bronx公寓将他们折磨数小时的武装男士。干得好，spot！

The Thousand Eyes of Skydio

我在看着你

The mechanical canine is not the only advancement in unchecked and unwarranted surveillance tech that has city, state, and federal law enforcement agencies cheering. Skydio, a unicorn startup founded by Google veterans, is now shipping what it claims to be the most advanced AI-powered surveillance drone ever manufactured! Costing as little as $1,000, Skydio’s autonomous “quadcopter” can latch onto targets, follow them, and even predict their next moves! Cool! But what about regulations designed to protect “civil liberties,” you might be wondering? Worry not, Skydio is lobbying hard to shred those final few statutes and ordinances holding us back from a bright future of total surveillance. In fact, just this year, Skydio’s CEO, Adam Bry, landed a coveted spot on the Drone Advisory Committee, where he’ll help craft new rules for improving his company’s bottom line.

该机械犬并非唯一令市、州、联邦政府弹冠相庆的无理取闹、无法无天的科技进步。skydio，一个由google老兵们创立的独角兽企业，正上市据其称未来最先进的量产人工智能驱动监视无人机！仅需低至1,000美元，skydio的匿名“四轴机”能锁定目标，跟踪之，甚至预判其行动！美妙！但那些致力于保护“公民自由”的制度到哪里去了呢，你可能会问？不用担心，skydio的说客们正为撕掉那些阻碍我们走向全面监控的光明未来的规章条文而四处奔波呢。事实上，就在今年，skydio的CEO，adam bry，已于无人机顾问委员会夺得了令人垂涎的一席之地，而我们就能在那精雕细琢助他公司的财富源泉充分涌流的新规定了。

The Taste of Fun

游乐的滋味

Meanwhile, one prestigious yacht club in St. Maarten is still reeling from the untold damage wrought by the seventy-year-old Hans Peter Wild late last month. More specifically, the damage done by Mr. Wild’s 235-foot-long turquoise superyacht GO—paid for by a fortune amassed by corrupting the children of the world with the sugar water of Capri Sun,—which ploughed through a jetty and concrete wall before crashing into the dock. 

与此同时，位于圣马丁的一个声名显赫的游艇俱乐部仍为70岁的hans peter wild上月底造成的巨大损失所震撼。确切来说，是wild先生235英尺长的GO绿松石巨艇——其由从蚀坏全球儿童的capri sun糖水聚敛而来的财富所购置——在轧过一个登岸码头与混凝土墙后一头撞入港口。

Bande à part

分布式乐队

Bande à part(专辑)

Down but not out, our public schools haven’t yet lost the innovative spark that has enabled them to persist, against the odds, through decades of malign fiscal neglect. Wenatchee High School in Washington, heeding the CDC’s call to reopen, brought students back to campus on a hybrid model in late January (a full two months before teachers were eligible to receive the vaccine)—but only recently did the band at Wenatchee High School resume practicing so that it might inspire a socially distanced student body with a rousing and muffled rendition of the school’s fight song . . . as performed from individual apple green “music pods.”

我们潦而不倒的公立学校仍没有失去令它们执着坚持、不惧困难、渡过财政疏忽诽谤的革新火花。华盛顿的韦纳奇中学，为响应疾病控制中心重新开放的号召，在一月底采用混合模型将学生带回校园(还要等2个月教师们才能获得接种资格)——但才在最近韦纳奇中学乐队重新开始了练习，以便用学校战歌沉闷而激情澎湃的演奏使社交上疏远的学生团体亢奋…演出在苹果绿色“音乐豆荚”单人帐篷内进行。

Working From Home, For Kids!

小小社畜

As for parents burdened with children who are not yet old enough to be receiving a subpar education over a piss-poor internet connection, perhaps you might consider gifting your offspring a toy set that will prepare them for a life of under-compensated, all-consuming labor that will leech the color from their cheeks and the sparkle from their souls: My Home Office, the eight-piece workstation from Fisher-Price. With My Home Office, children three and up can “be their own boss”! Uh-oh, you better take that dark roast to go: you’ve got a report due in an hour, and there’s a conference call scheduled with the Series A funders after nap time! With Fisher-Price’s My Home Office, your precocious kiddo will have fun while getting it drilled into their soft little skull that there is no alternative to a life of constant drudgery. None!

至于背负着尚未达到能通过低劣网络连接接受欠佳教育的孩子的重担的家长们，或许应该考虑给孩子购置一套为他们准备了毫无回报、敲骨榨髓，如水蛭般吸走他们脸蛋的血色与灵魂的光芒的劳动人生的玩具：“我的家庭办公室”，fisher-price销售的8单位工作站。有了“我的家庭办公室”，三岁及以上的孩子们能“做自己的老板”！哦哟，你最好把那片烤焦的肉带着吃了：你在一小时内有个报告，小睡时间后还有与A级资助者们的预定会议！有了fisher-price的“我的家庭办公室”，深深地刻在你的小宝贝柔软的小脑袋里的将是生活没有除恒久的苦工以外的选择。没有！